A letter to myself

I'm dying.

My doctor has diagnosed me with a terminal illness.

I'm going to spend this time with my friends.  My family.  My children.

 

The things that I will miss most are the moments with my daughter just snuggling and laughing.  Rolling around on my bed in the mornings.  Me falling back asleep as she watches a movie next to me.  Watching her run around and around the house playing with Ladybug (our dog).  God I'll miss her.

 

Watching my son grow into a man that I respect, as he has grown into a man worth that.  Seeing how he solves problems with logic and reason, how he treats others with kindness, how he has the wit of a jester that I hope won't get him into too much trouble.

 

Watching my oldest daughter take her most amazing mind and direct it towards something that she is passionate about.  Listening to some of the logic and reasoned arguments coming out of her is...  Well, frightening were I on the wrong end of that.  If there was ANYTHING on earth that I wanted to know inside and out, she would be the person I'd choose to learn that thing.

 

I wish I'd reached out to family more.  I think I was scared how they would take the entirety of this person that I was.  That they'd judge me if they really knew me, that I cherished the family as I had them now too much to jeopardize it by letting them into my "real" life.  I'm sorry for that.  I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

 

I should have brought more smiles to more peoples faces.  I should have given to others more.  I've spent 47 years collecting things.  Skills, money, possessions, reputations...  And none of that shit matters.  What matters is the impact I had on others.  What matters is if I made this world a better place than I found it.  Did I?  I hope so.

 

Is this how it's all going to end?  Is there anything I can do with my last days that will make things a little better?  Can I cherish those remaining moments a little bit more?  Really BE PRESENT when I interact with others.  Can I at least make those little changes that will help even a little bit?  Maybe just make someone's day a little brighter.  Call my Dad just to "shoot the shit".  There ARE little things that I can and should do today.

 

This is part of a Buddhist practice around death where you really sit and be with the fact that you are dying.  To realize it to the core of your being and the level of detail of your funeral, what you've left, whom you've left, the physical aspect of your body decomposing, all of it.  I'm only dying from the illness of every living being.  This was another pass at understanding and encompassing this in my own life and at the end of writing this I can feel that this was important to me and will be something that I reflect on for some time now.  I hope that it means something to somebody else.

Reposted from May 1, 2016

Note - This is an exercise, I'm not actively dying